*ding ding ding* Round 2!

Here we go. I’m back in Nashville after a wonderful vacation. Round 2.

So, I’m definitely glad that there were so many student orientation activities at the beginning of last semester. Why? Because when you go from spending the most wonderful 3 weeks ever with your family to flying across the country where you feel like you don’t have anyone to call family, it really really really sucks. It’s never fun. But I’m getting over it. The best part, though, is that it’s reminding me how much I need God. Because when I call on his name for help, he’s there. He makes me feel warm when I feel alone. He sends people my way to cheer me up, like he did this evening in the cafeteria.

This is a lesson I’ve already learned, but could afford to learn 100 times over. Attitude is a choice. It is not controlled by circumstances. Circumstances certainly push you towards choosing one attitude over the other, but they do not have the final say. It is definitely harder to have a good attitude in the midst of sub-par circumstance, yes. But it’s not impossible. It’s a whole lot easier when Jesus is there helping you to make that choice. So yeah, random tidbit of information there.

I’ll post more profound things when they come to me. Peace out.

A month…holy crap

Wow, so it’s been exactly one month since I wrote in this. I know, what a slacker I am. I’ve gone through everything from tornadoes to mentoring autistic children. Life is crazy. But life is good. I got to go back and visit my family last week for Thanksgiving; that was a huge relief. I was so excited by the time my plane touched down in Seattle that I was basically running through the airport towards baggage claim, and I did this whole James Bond reconnaissance deal and jumped on my dad. That was super fun. I also got to meet Sara, our awesome exchange student! She is such a joy to have at home, and she doesn’t feel like an invasion at all; she feels like nothing less than a valuable addition to my family, and I’m really glad she gets to live with us for a year. Lots of other fun stuff occured, i.e. going downtown on (black) Friday, watching the parade and walking around with friends, cutting the family Christmas tree and putting up lights, drinking eggnog mixed with sprite and playing apples to apples, going to my church on Sunday and getting recharged and pumped up for Jesus! YEAH!

Then I had to fly back to Nashville. My first few days back were a little rough. This is because of a lot of reasons, but primarily because I realized that I really don’t have anyone whom I can call family here. And I also realized that I can’t turn going back home or Christmas into my primary goal anymore, for two reasons. One, doing so would make me take school less seriously and try to just get it over with, so I can just get home. But the more important (and frankly, crappier) reason is that, I am moved out of my house. And as much as I love my family and my home, I am not moving back in. I’m not going to be that kid. And so, to cling to my home as my only sense of security is simply to turn away from the future. And turning away from the future is the worst possible thing I can do for myself. This is going to take some time, because I still am very attached to my family. I don’t think that a close bond with my family is necessarily a bad thing; I wish everyone could have what I’ve been blessed with. It just becomes potentially harmful when I cling to my family at the cost of my future life (job, wife, family, etc.). So I guess I’ve just learned (and I think this kinda oes for all college kids out there) that when I’m in Nashville, I focus on Nashville, and when I’m at home, I focus on home. But I don’t focus on home while I’m in Nashville–that’s not good. Gosh I hope that made sense…

Jesus really made my day on Wednesday. He helped me through my last speech of the semester, helped me perform well in piano seminar, helped me perform well at my drum lesson, and sent lots of people my way to encourage me, and even to bless me with free toothpaste since I left mine at home over break. (Haha long story…)

Read Feed, by M.T. Anderson. I read it for one of my classes, it’s entertaining and reads incredibly fast. It’s one of those books about futuristic societies that creatively displays through metaphor the harmful effects of elements of mass media on individuals. It’s got a little potty language (the only thing I really didn’t like about it), but if you look past that I think you’ll find a really insightful commentary on the state of the world we live in.

If you could, please be praying for me. I’m helping to start a youth ministry at a church in Gallatin called Free Indeed Fellowship. How God put me there is a long story. (I might have actually told it in one of my blogs, I don’t remember.) There aren’t very many youth at that church right now (i.e. like 3). So please pray that God would allow youth to flood this church and that he would anoint the leadership to guide kids in Gallatin to what they really need and are really looking for: a real encounter with a real Jesus.

Thanks for making it through my random thoughts once again. Thank you Jesus for my family, the month of December, Starbucks, your unfailing love and forgiveness, making girls attractive (hey…just being honest, okay?), sunshine, and friends who read this big thing of nonsense. Peace and love.

Does telling yourself you believe something mean you believe it?

Alright so, this is one of the longer journal entries I have made, but I promise you it is completely worth the read if you have the time.

Have you ever had someone say something to you that completely changed the way you saw yourself or the world, or it freed you from some attitude you had, and the person didn’t even intend for it to do that, but what they did accomplished that anyway?

Yeah, that happened today. And it was my private classical piano teacher.

I walked into my lesson, exchanged “greetings” with my teacher, and sat down at the piano. “I thought you played very well at seminar last week, Aaron.”

Thinking back to seminar last week… oh boy. Yikes. Seminar is the time of week where push comes to shove with piano lessons. Seminar is where you play what you’ve been working on in your private lesson for a bunch of other piano students. Luckily for me, I got over my sense of stage fright long ago in high school… or so I thought, until the first day I had to play at seminar. Last week, I played a Chopin Etude (Op. 10 No. 3 for all you classical music junkies) that I’d been working on since last summer… or at least I attempted to play it. If you’ve never heard it, it basically has ABA (exposition, development, recapitulation) form, where the A part is very smooth, legato, lush, beautiful, singing melody, etc.; the B section is faster and definitely technically harder. It has this subsection about 7 or 8 measures long that’s just a sequence of diminished 7ths in both hands, ascending and descending all over the place. It is so difficult and fast and demanding and treacherous, that if you miss one note in it you’ve lost the whole thing–there’s no way to recover. So, guess what I did? The piece was going just beautifully–all the way through the A theme, and even into some of the faster, more technically demanding parts of B. When I got to the really hard part… I completely crashed and burned in front of everybody. It wasn’t that I hadn’t practiced it like crazy–I had.

“I think I just got nervous, Dr. Landes,” I said. “It’s like every time I get to that part, I lose my concentration. I know that I can’t lose my concentration or else I’ll lose control. But I get nervous every time and I start thinking ‘oh no, what if I lose my concentration?’ But ironically, the second I think about losing my concentration, I’ve already lost my concentration and the whole piece falls apart.”

My professor replied with this. “It sounds like you just need to trust yourself, Aaron. And trusting yourself is something that you learn. You’ve got to trust that you know the piece. It’s not enough to just know the piece; you’ve got to KNOW that you know it, so that when the part comes up, it doesn’t even phase you. But the question is: do you REALLY know it? Finger memory is NOT knowing the piece. If you’re in the middle of that hard section and one of your fingers slips, you’ve lost it. You’ve got to be able to look at the keyboard and say to yourself, ‘I know where the chord is. It’s right here.’ You’ve got to know that you know it so that in those moments of existential self-doubt, you can say ‘nonsense! I know that I know this piece!’”

I think Dr. Landes said more to me than he meant to when he said this. His words, in effect, freed me of a mental disease that had been plaguing my mind since childhood. Let me explain.

I grew up in what you’d call a pentecostal church. Around me there were always people getting healed, people speaking in tongues, people prophesying, people manifesting demonic spirits and getting delivered, and so on and so forth. Naturally, I just accepted this stuff to be true–what else was I supposed to do? I had no reason to question it. I just believed it.

What I didn’t realize though, is that I really didn’t believe ANYTHING that was going on. I agreed with it, simply because I had no reason to disagree. I knew it simply because I didn’t know anything else. But, even to this day, to employ Dr. Landes’ analogy, it was all finger memory to me–I only knew it because I had been around it so much. Basically, I “knew that I knew” that it was all real, or at least I told myself that, but I didn’t actually KNOW that it was real! (If that makes any sense.) It never sunk into me at the heart level.

This wave of unsureness about what I believe has became all the more apparent to me in college now, as I’ve tried to take a stand for things I believe about God and found that I don’t really know how to explain them to people. Why? Well, the Bible says that out of the heart the mouth speaks. When I try to speak about God to other people that don’t believe what I’d been brought up to believe, I find that I have no words to say because I search my heart and all I find is a lot of confusion about what I actually believe myself. So, naturally, I resort to what I’ve heard about God, what other people tell me, and I try in a messy, jumbled effort to pass this lifeless head knowledge along to the unfortunate listener.

On example is when I try to tell people about the awesome stuff God does at Soldiers of Light church. When I’m trying to explain it to someone who doesn’t understand it (which may or may not be you–just warning you), more often than not I find myself tongue-tied because I can’t escape my own fear that what goes on there is freaky, scary, and fake.

Traditionally, I haven’t been able to bring up any of my doubts about spiritual things because I’ve been afraid of being labeled as a “doubter” or a “heretic” or somehow being excluded from the group. Whenever I try to tell other people about the things I believe, I always find myself unable to speak, and here’s why. I have to be extremely careful of what I say, because I have to make sure everything that I say is true and jibes with what everyone else around me believes. I used to be afraid that if I ever spoke from my heart, I’d say something that didn’t agree with the Bible, and I’d be written off as “one of those Christians who has deficient doctrines or heretical beliefs.” So anytime I would pray with a group of people, I’d never every pray from my heart–I’d always pray from my head because I had to use words and beliefs and doctrines that I knew other people would agree with.

What’s also been a struggle for me is seeing the stuff I’ve grown up with take place, and knowing that it’s real, but not believing it. Let me explain. I went to Soldiers of Light church the first weekend of school here, back in August. Pastor Tony prophesied over me–if you don’t know what that means, it means that God told him some stuff about me and he just passed along the message. Some of the stuff was what is called a “word of knowledge,” meaning that God revealed to Pastor Tony things that were already true in my life and I knew about, but Tony would only have known them had he spoken to me beforehand about them, which he didn’t. For example, a few things the Lord told Tony that night were that I play drums, I work with youth, and I travel–these are all true. I’ve played drums for 10 years, I’ve been involved with leading worship for youth for the last couple years, and I’ve been traveling over the last couple years also to minister musically and spiritually to youth at camps and conferences. The fact that he knew all this without me or anyone else telling him is a big reason for me to believe that he’s not making it up, that what he’s doing is really true. He then went on to the more prophetic part of his message, which means that he told me things about myself that I didn’t know at that time. A few things he said to me were, “you’re going to travel, but you will be more prepared,” “you’re going to work with youth at a greater level,” and “someone’s about to be your partner.” (See bottom of this entry if you want to find out whether these prophetic words are being fulfilled or not.) All this is reason for me to believe that it’s real and that God really does this stuff. But for some reason, I feel this immense sense of fear and doubt whenever I try to tell anyone about it. Some people might say, “that’s the devil,” but in this case I really feel like it’s because I believe it in my head, but not my heart. To be honest, I’m not even sure whether I fully understand the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge yet.

Lately this conflict with what I say I believe and what I really believe has been surfacing in a way that has been bringing me down in an unhealthy way. Ever since I got to college, I’ve really been desiring to have the ability to speak prophetic words to people, and have them be correct and significantly affect their lives. I’ve also been desiring to lay hands on the sick and debilitated and see them recover on the spot. I’d like to say that I believe this stuff can happen, but honestly, I don’t. In my head I do, because I don’t want to be seen by my Christian peers as a “doubter.” But in reality, when I see someone get healed of a sinus infection or neck injury right before my eyes, (both of which have happened during the last two months), and I’m afraid to tell people about what happened, now I see that this is a big fat red flag to me, signaling that even though I saw it happen with my very own eyes, I didn’t accept it in my heart. Same with prophecy–since I’ve been around it for so long, and I’ve been prophesied to several times, by friends, pastors, and famous men and women of God, I’ve never really asked myself if I really believed that it’s legit–I just passively OK’ed it, and swept any subconscious doubt I had under the rug, to avoid the fear of confrontation.

Here’s the worst part about doing this: it’s caused me to contrive spiritual things and tell myself that they’re from God because I was afraid of failing. To be more precise, when I was like 12 or so, I wanted to be filled with the Holy Spirit and speak in tongues. But I didn’t really want to; I just wanted it because it was what my friends were doing and maybe I wanted to impress them or impress my parents or something… actually I don’t really know. So when someone laid his hands on me and prayed for me, and told me “if you start hearing any strange sounds just let them out,” I started making them up because I didn’t want to be the one kid who didn’t get filled with the Holy Spirit. To be completely honest, even right now as I’m typing this, I’m not 100% sure that I do speak in tongues… I might still be making it up. But I’m happy to do whatever it takes to defeat that unbelief and get to a point where I believe in my heart that speaking in tongues really is legit, even though it sounds weird, because I’ve seen people who speak in tongues, and what they do–I’ve seen broken bones healed, I’ve seen lame people in wheelchairs get up and walk. That’s one thing that I believe in my heart, based on the things I’ve witnessed: God CAN do miracles, even today. But I have a hard time believing in my heart that I personally can do these things. Unfortunately, I’ve been too afraid to admit this in the presence of other Christians who believe it…

…and it’s killing me.

Now as I try to prophesy to other people, I get this wave of doubt every time–what if what I have to say to this person isn’t really true, or from God, what if it’s just me making it up? What if I lay hands on this person and pray for them, and they DON’T recover; what will they think of me then? These are the doubts that I have swept under the rug coming out. They’re under the rug because I’m afraid of bringing them up before my Christian peers. But now I realize what’s really going on: when I try to prophesy, it’s all “finger memory,” because I’ve been around it so long and gone through the motions so many times that I just expect it to come out perfectly, the same way I expected that hard section of the Chopin Etude to come out perfectly. The reason why neither of these things happened is that I didn’t really KNOW either of them. I didn’t know that Chopin Etude by heart, and I didn’t believe in my heart that prophecy is legit, even though I believe the things that have been prophesied over me by other people. Does that make sense?

It’s kind of like this. I have listened to the recording of that Chopin Etude in E Major probably a million times. I have heard my teacher pull it off. I have heard other people pull it off. I don’t doubt that it can be done. What I DO doubt is that I can do it. And no matter how much I tell myself that I can do it, and maybe even believe in my head that I can, the truth always comes out when I get to that part of the piece in front of an audience–I can’t do it, I always mess up. Because I don’t KNOW the piece!

Aha, now I see it. There is a distinct difference between wishful thinking and true belief. What’s the difference? Well, in one, God is involved, and in the other, He’s not.

I met with my spiritual life assistant (SLA), Stephen, this evening. We were talking about Revelation and the end times and we got on the subject of the rapture. Stephen noted how one pastor he had heard said something to the effect of, “I’m not trying to change your beliefs or change the Bible or doctrine or anything–all I’m saying is that I don’t see evidence in the Bible that there will be a rapture in the sense that we will be snatched from the Earth–to me, the “rapture” seems more like Jesus coming to Earth and making it new again.”

I don’t know whether this view is right or wrong. I haven’t read the Bible enough to where I’d be able to apply it to this argument. But I do know that there’s either going to be a rapture, or there isn’t. Both cannot be true at the same time. And so there are two choices I can make: 1) find out which one is true, and then preach that the other one is false, because if I pretended that they’re both true and was okay with that, I would lose my mind; or, 2) sweep one of these teachings “under the rug” and pretend I never heard it. This obviously is not a very effective way to go about searching for truth. But frankly it’s what I’ve been doing with counterarguments to my faith for as long as I’ve been alive.

I told Stephen all this stuff, and after we got done chatting, I was walking to the Curb Cafe to get my dose of Starbucks. While I was walking there, something felt different–and I KNOW that I know that I wasn’t making this up or imagining it. I felt like I had been freed from something. I felt refreshed. I felt…I dunno… new. Like something had been lifted off my shoulders. I suddenly felt incredibly happy, incredibly honest, incredibly real. A couple other things that happened on the way there–walking past the Curb Event Center/Maddox Grand Atrium, I looked up and I swear I saw a purple up there on the side of the building. It was like someone was shining a purple light on the windows, but I seriously looked around me, looking for a purple light or any reason I could find to show that it was an actual light. I couldn’t find anything! Last night, I was listening to a man tell me about how he can visually see the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit is purple. I believe that the Holy Spirit is real, but at first I didn’t really believe that he could see what he claimed to see (although I probably would have told him that I did believe it). Now I’m starting to wonder. I looked away, and back; away, and back; hoping that the purple would go away so I knew that it was just my eyes. It wasn’t. No matter how hard I tried to imagine that the purple wasn’t there, it was still there, and there was absolutely no apparent physical reason for it! On my way back from getting coffee, I saw something in the air swirling around me. I’ll try to describe it; it was almost like I saw a wisp of air flit from my left side to my right side, really really fast. Again, I know that this wasn’t my imagination–I SAW it. I’ve heard Pastor Tony talking about how he can see angels. Again, this is a situation where I “believed” him (or rather suppressed my doubts) because I was afraid of not believing in God. But I didn’t truly believe him. Now I might be starting to. I think I might have seen an angel fly around me. One other thing. I am finding it way incredibly easier to socialize with people! I’ve been praying that God would remove all the walls of social isolation that I built up around myself during homeschool, and I can see that He’s finally starting to answer my prayer. I always find it hard to initiate small talk–it’s flowing out of me naturally now, for some reason.

I don’t know what all of this means. All I’m trying to say is that whatever my piano teacher said to me this afternoon, I believe (in my heart!) that God used it to teach me about the difference between telling myself I believe something and really believing it. Something I’ve been needing to come to terms with for a very, very long time.

I used to wonder why it was so easy for me to believe in God, and so hard for my friends to do so. What I realize now is that I never really believed in God, I just told myself that I did, in order to avoid conflict with my family and people at my church. I think that in order to truly believe something in your heart, you’ve got to have that belief challenged, and although you may have legitimate doubt, you’ve got to overcome it without running away from it. It’s sort of the way your body handles viruses; once a certain type passes through your body, you become immune to it and that particular virus never can come back. Once a certain objection to your belief enters your brain, challenges you for a little while, but you finally overcome it, it can’t come back and plague you anymore. I think head knowledge might be a gift that God has granted to us so that while we are in the process of doubting things in our hearts, we may not lose hold of them completely. I might be wrong about that…but that’s where I’m at right now.

To all my Christian brothers, sisters, fathers, and mothers: please don’t be freaked out if I question beliefs that I once appeared to believe. All I am doing is seeking to safely store them in my heart instead of just trying to convince myself that I believe them when on the inside I never really did. All I’d ask for is your patience and guidance as I seek to build a strong foundation for my beliefs on the rock of ages: Jesus Christ.

To anyone reading this who hasn’t come to a belief in Christ: my hope is that all this has made sense to you. If not, I’d be more than happy to talk to you about anything you have questions about, and not to “implant my beliefs” in your head by any means–nah, just simply to seek truth. I’m really not judgmental, or self-righteous, or anything like that… I’m just a young man seeking truth like all the rest of us.

“That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved” (Romans 10:9, KJV).

—————————————————————–

*Let me just share some confirmation of this message, so that if you’re skeptical about the whole prophecy thing, you might have more reason to believe it. A few days after Tony spoke this word to me, I got a call from my good friend Sam in North Dakota, who had ministered alongside me at a couple youth camps/conferences. She asked me to be her “prayer PARTNER.” Since the Lord had told me through Pastor Tony that someone was about to be my partner, I both accepted her request and believed even more firmly that what Pastor Tony prophesied was indeed true, directly from God, and not made up. About the youth, I was praying for God to show me where to get involved here with youth, and I miraculously met a youth minister who was praying for God to send him a piano player. Can you say, puzzle pieces? So that’s a fulfillment of that part. About the traveling, I’ve been approached about the possibility of traveling to Panama Beach, FL, over Spring Break ’08 for a mission trip, and as I look at the way God’s been purifying my heart and mind lately, I can see that He’s already begun to prepare me for this. These are all just beginnings of fulfillments of this prophecy that was given to me back in August–there’s more coming and I believe it.

Random thoughts/feelings (what else is new?)

So midterms are over (I only had one in math and it was pretty easy) and it’s fall break now. I was praying that if the Lord wanted me to leave campus for fall break that He would provide transportation for me, and so I guess I’m supposed to stay here because nothing ever showed up. So I think God is wanting me to use this time to know Him better and to spend more time with him… my roommate Kyle is out of town so I’ve been having the room to myself to use as a prayer chamber.

But I also wasn’t doing too well as a result of Kyle being gone. Earlier this week I started to feel really lonely, partially due to things going on with people back home, but I think a lot of it had to do with Kyle not being around…it’s just nice to have someone else there, you know? But then I realized that the reason God is doing this to me is so I will learn to rely on Him for companionship when I feel lonely. I’m so quick to resort to accomplishments and doing things as a means of feeling like I’m making progress in life… I’m learning that while God has brought me here to accomplish things, He’s also brought me here to develop a deeper, closer relationship with Him, and if I ever use the first reason as a substitution for the second, it begins to breed an unhealthy reliance on my own strength.

I believe it was September of ’06 when I went wakeboarding for the first time with my awesome friend Gracie and her family. We got out on Lake Issaquah, and I tried several times to get up, but I would always get really nervous right after I’d say “hit it!” to Gracie’s dad, Scott, who was driving the boat, and as a result I’d try and use my own strength to get me up. Scott said to me, “what you’re doing is you’re trying to muscle your way through this. You can’t do that, it’s much too hard on you. You’ve gotta let the boat do the work.” I never did get up that day, I think because by the time that I realized this, my arms were so shot I could barely even grip the rope.

But what I’m realizing is that a lot of times when I’m playing worship or praying for people or just praying in general, I try and “muscle my way” through it; that is, I think that what I’m trying to get out of whatever it is I am doing has to come about by my own doing, and I’m forgetting to lean on God’s strength, wisdom, and understanding. I’ve also realized that this is a result of me not having very much faith… I feel like I need to accomplish everything because sometimes I have a hard time believing that God can and will actually follow through with his promises, like “I will never leave you nor forsake you,” or “Ask anything in my name and it shall be done for you,” or “Where two or more are gathered, there I am, standing in the midst.”

The key to getting up on a wakeboard is positioning yourself in such a way that allows the boat to do all the work. The key to letting God work through you is to position yourself in such a way where you have complete reliance on Him for all the power you need.

So, hopefully that made some sense. Wednesday was really fun, I ran into my friend Amy, who plays viola, and her friend Kyle, who plays the hammer dulcimer, and we all went to a practice room and jammed for a while (I tinkled the ivories). That was actually really fun… the beauty of Belmont is that there are crazy good musicians every which way you look.

Also, for all my fellow former IB inmates out there, I’d like you all to know that I met a friend here named Matt. Matt got a 42 on his diploma score. He got 60 credits towards his college education here at Belmont (I think he took some AP tests that helped him out too). Did anyone from MRHS score anywhere near that high?

Apparently my dorm is about to test the fire alarm system, and I haven’t even showered yet. Yikes! Peace.

Math puzzle! Yay! Put your thinking cap on!

Okay so, to get off the God topic for a little bit…even though that is the best topic ever…

Today I learned something very interesting about math. I didn’t learn it because the professor told it to me, I learned it from an experience that happened today in the classroom. It’s important because it can help YOU be better at math.

So there is this puzzle, and it goes something like this. You have 100 lockers, in a row, numbered from 1 to 100, all closed shut. There are 100 students present. The first student walks down the row of lockers and opens each one. The second student then walks down the row of lockers and closes lockers 2, 4, 6, 8, …, all the way to 100. The third student then walks down the row and “changes” lockers 3, 6, 9, 12, …, that is, for each locker that is a multiple of 3, if it is closed, the student opens it; if it is open, the student closes it. The fourth student changes all the lockers that are multiples of four. The fifth student changes multiples of five. Each one of the students repeats this process for multiples of whichever number he/she is. That make sense? Okay good. So the question is…when all is said and done, and all 100 students have walked down the row of lockers and “changed” the appropriate ones, which lockers are left open?

Just for fun, see if you can figure this out on your own for a minute or two before reading on. Don’t just “glance”…seriously, give it a shot. Get a piece of paper and a pencil out if you have to. Just indulge me. It may help you in the long run.

(Don’t read the next part until you solved it or gave it a sincere try!)

The first way I tried solving this problem was making a diagram of the first 20 numbers to attempt to find a pattern. Since the first student opens all the lockers, I wrote a “O” for open under each locker, to demonstrate that all the lockers are open after the first student walks his course. Then, since the second student closes all the even lockers, I crossed out the “O”s on 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18, and 20, and wrote a “C” below them. Since the third student changes that lockers that are multiples of three, I replicated this action on my paper by changing Cs to Os and Os to Cs for all multiples of three on my paper. You can probably see where I was going with this…I knew that after each student had gone by, the locker number which corresponds with the student number would stay in whatever state it is left in after the student walks by. In other words, after student #1 walks by, locker #1 will never be touched again. After student #2 walks by, locker #2 will never be touched again, and etc., yeah. So I was trying to find a pattern to the way that the lockers ended up by examining the first 20 lockers after the first 20 students had gone by. I thought for a while that it might have had to do with prime numbers, but this turned out to be wrong. So I sat there stumped for a little while, until I saw what the guy in front of me was doing.

He turned around and showed me his paper. On it he had written:

#100

1-O 2-C 4-O 5-C 10-O 20-C 25-O 50-C 100-O

If you aren’t seeing what this means, basically what he had just done was taken into account every kid that would touch locker #100. The only kids that will touch locker #100 are the kids that have 100 as a multiple of their own student number. Do you see that? Kid #3 can’t touch locker #100, but he/she can touch #93, #96, and #99 because these are all multiples of 3. 100 is not a multiple of 3, so Kid #3 will never touch locker #100. So by that we know that the only kids we have to worry about changing locker #100 are the kids whose numbers are factors of 100, which are the numbers in the list above. The Os and Cs stand for whether the kid who walked by opened or closed the locker.

So I was like, sweet deal, now we have an easy way to find out for each locker whether it is open or closed at the end. All we have to do is write down all the factors of that number, write alternating Os and Cs next to each factor, and whatever the letter we write next to the last number is, that letter is going to tell us whether it is open or closed at the end.

But then I’m like, dang it, we have to do that for 99 more numbers. There’s gotta be a faster way.

So this is the most important part of this post. I was thinking about numbers and their factors and multiples, and I remember thinking back to early grade school when I was fascinated by the fact that 9 only had 3 factors: 1, 3, and 9. Why was I so fascinated about a little thing like this that a lot of people would pass over and write off as boring or trivial? Well, most numbers have an even number of factors. Pick 8, for instance. It has 1, 2, 4, and 8. And if you start with the smallest factor, then multiply it by the biggest factor, you get the number; in this case 8. The same thing happens if you move one number in on each side; that is, the next-to-smallest factor and the next-to-biggest number multiply to make the same number. In math notation, 1 x 8 = 8, 2 x 4 = 8, 4 x 2 = 8, and 8 x 1 = 8. All you have to do is pick a “balanced” pair of factors, multiply them together, and you get the original number. Look at 24: 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 12, and 24 are its factors. Same thing: 1 x 24 = 24, 2 x 12 = 24, 3 x 8 = 24, etc.

Now, 9 is special. Why? Because it has an odd number of factors. One of the factors gets multiplied by itself to produce the number: 1 x 9, 3 x 3, 9 x 1. This is what makes 9 a perfect square. Look at another perfect square: 36. The same thing is true. 1 x 36, 2 x 18, 3 x 12, 4 x 9, 6 x 6, 9 x 4, 12 x 3, 18 x 2, and 36 x 1 are the different ways to put factors together, and again there is an odd number of them.

Then I thought to myself, “I wonder if perfect squares are the only numbers that have odd numbers of factors.”

This is what solved the puzzle. Since the lockers started closed, and each time they are touched they change their status (either closed to open or open to closed). I concluded then that if the lockers were touched an even number of times, they would end up closed. If they were touched an odd number of times, they would end up open. Therefore, the only lockers that remain open after the fact are the lockers that have odd numbers of factors, or in essence are perfect squares: 1, 4, 9, 16, 25, 36, 49, 64, 81, and 100. Problem solved.

But here’s the really important part. Right after I got done explaining this to my partner, a girl behind me asked, “how did you get to that solution…like…how did you think of it?” I responded, “honestly, it took a little out-of-the-box thinking…there’s no formula for that. It’s kinda random…you just have to do it and be creative.”

So I guess I learned two things today. Number 1: Anyone who says mathematics is not creative is wrong.

Number 2 (and this is the reason I wrote this long post): I wouldn’t have come to find the solution to the puzzle if I had not had that experience when I was young where I just pondered mathematics for the fun of it; due to sheer interest, not an assignment. If a student is not interested in math, he or she will never succeed in mathematical problem solving. This unfortunate but true realization might explain why so many people have trouble learning math; too many students tell themselves that thinking about math for fun is “nerdy”, it’s what “geeks” do, and there are more fun things to think about, which vary depending on the age and maturity level of the student. I seem to have found that the more time you spend thinking about the world of math on your own, the more you will be familiar with it and you will be able to solve problems more easily because you will be more familiar with math and have a larger set of mathematical “tools”.

I’m not saying that someone who doesn’t consider math their best subject will never solve a problem. I’m not even saying math has to be your number one. All I’m saying is that in order to be a problem solver on a consistent basis, you have to think outside the box. And to think outside the box, it can’t be just random; that’s impossible. You have to have a set of mathematical tools that you can pull out and use, see if they fix the problem. You will only get this set of tools to grow by being willing to think about math beyond what you are required to in class. And if you’re going to do that, you’ve got to be interested in it. Follow my reasoning? No interest in math, no tools. No tools, no problem solving. No problem solving, no good grades. No good grades, no kids that like math. That’s the sad reality.

So how can we get students more interested in math? I’m gonna leave that open ended for now. But how can YOU be more interested in math? Well…I’d say just lose the notion that thinking about math, or even discussing math with other people is geeky or a dumb thing to do. Cause…it’s not. There’s actually a lot of far more fascinating things in math than factors; you’ve got the fibonacci numbers, golden ratio, the whole concept of infinity and all its sub-topics…these may all seem somewhat impenetrable at first glance, but they’re not really. Have you ever wondered why some rectangles are more aesthetically pleasing than others? If you can divide the length of your stride in half, and divide that in half, and divide that in half, and keep getting smaller and smaller and smaller, how do you even move ANYWHERE?  Can anything in nature be perfectly round or perfectly edged? These are all relevant questions that can be dealt with by thinking about math.  I’m sure there’s gotta be something that catches your eye. Peace.

No Greater Love

As I read the story of Nate Saint, missionary pilot to Ecuador and martyr… it brings me to tears.

I’ve heard stories of those who have gone into dangerous places to spread the story of Jesus Christ, and respected these people, even marveled at their lives a little bit, but I can’t say I’ve ever really grasped true love until now.

Jesus gave up his life… not just while he died, but while he was alive too. He never spent any of it indulging in pleasure or comfort just for the sake of doing so…he was completely and totally dead to himself. He only did what he saw God the Father doing. He dedicated every part of him, everything about his existence, to saving our souls.

We hear this and we’re like, “cool, Jesus gave up His life for me. Thank you Lord.” And then what happens? I know what should happen upon hearing that…it should make me want to loose every grip I have on my own life and live to serve God and others. But instead we’re happy with our everyday routine. Making sure we catch football on Sunday. Making sure we get our nightly dose of guitar hero in. Making sure we don’t miss going to our favorite band’s concert when they come into town. We just don’t get it.

But look at Nate Saint..ordinary human being. He wasn’t afraid to give up everything. Everything! Even leave his family in order to do the will of God. The more I think about this, the more I realize… I’m not ready to make that sacrifice. If God told me to go risk my life in order to preach His love to someone, I’d be too concerned with everything I’d be losing. I’d definitely be too concerned with what people would think of me. I’m too scared of hearing “what do you think you’re doing Aaron! You’re crazy!”

I remember telling my mom when I was really little, like 3 or 4, “if God came down from Heaven and told me, ‘Aaron, it’s time to go to Heaven!’, I would say ‘just a minute, God!” and run inside and grab a hundred dollars, and then I’d go “okay God, I’m ready now!”

I was crestfallen when my mom told me, “son, that’s not the way it works.”

How foolish of me to think that keeping what I have in this life is more important than to lay it all down and follow Jesus. The point is, I’m not ready to lay down my life. In many ways.

If God told me to sell all my possessions and give the money to the poor, I probably wouldn’t do it. If God told me to remain celibate for my entire life, I’d most likely have a problem with that.

God can’t even get me to step out of my comfort zone far enough to do little things like speak healing to a crippled man in a wheelchair, or pray over a broken-down car and believe for it to start. I’m too afraid of the criticism that would come afterwards if it didn’t happen.

But, again, Nate Saint. God told him “go, fly into the jungles of Ecuador and tell the natives there about my love, even if it means sacrificing your life.” And he obeyed.

This is the part that makes me cry.

This guy loved people the same way Jesus did.

I do not.

I’m not ready to.

But it’s where I need to be.

Call me crazy, but I’m hearing God

So what I’ve been realizing is that I have left the place of indecision about whether or not I believe God speaks to me. There was a time when I was really skeptical about this whole “hearing God” business and questioned everything I ever felt that I heard or saw from God. I guess I never really doubted that people can hear from God, due in part to the Bible and in other part to experiences I’ve had in the past with the prophetic. I just never really believed that it was for me. As a result, there were a lot of times when I questioned what I thought God was saying to me. To some extent, this probably was not good because it may have kept God from working through me to a certain degree. On the other hand though, I realize that all of this is a learning experience that was (and is) necessary for me to go through in order to prepare me to be used more heavily and mightily by God.

But my point is this: there are two possibilities for where I’m at right now. Possibility one: I am currently in the process of self-delusion. I have told myself enough times that God speaks to me through various ways, and now I have just jumped off the face of reality. Say goodbye to the Aaron you thought you knew, because he is becoming a lunatic. Or possibility two: There really is a God who has spoken in the past and speaks even today, and I am beginning to learn what it means to hear from this God. There is no middle ground. There’s no more second guessing. I’ve swum outside the little roped-off lifeguarded section of the lake and I’m heading towards deeper water.

I realize this might sound scary and might worry some people. Let me explain why this is not scary, but indeed very good: if the things that I hear from God were things like “go jump off that bridge over there,” “tell that person that they are a sinner and God hates them,” or “sleep in and miss all your classes,” I could understand why some people might be a little bit worried about me. I’d be worried too. But when the things that I believe God has been speaking to me lately are “get up early so you can spend time with me,” “pray against sexual immorality,” “don’t go to that pornographic website,” “lay hands on that guy standing right there and ask me to heal him,” “today i want you to fast so you can pray more powerfully for the guys on your dorm floor,” and “look at that guy sitting all by his lonesome in the cafeteria…go sit with him,” I begin to ask… am I really just making this up? Is it really in my human nature to want to give up food for the sake of praying for others? Is it natural for a sinner like me to shut down my computer when certain images find their way to my screen and I begin falling into temptation? My point is, I have found myself doing both of these things within the last week, and when I find that my actions contradict how my nature tells me I’m supposed to behave, to me it’s a really HUGE hint that something, or rather someone, is definitely at work in my life. And that someone is good.

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying, I’m not trying in any way to prove that I’m more righteous, more holy, or better in any way than anyone else. It’s not like I’ve never broken a fast, explored a pornographic website, or ignored someone who was obviously in need of some love. I’m not even trying to say that I don’t still stumble from time to time. All I’m saying is that by God’s grace, He’s allowing me to choose to become more and more of the person He wants me to be. And this same God who is bringing about this change in the way I live my life is the God who speaks to me, letting me know just enough of his will to follow where He’s leading me in life, and prompting me to do out-of-the-ordinary things that are for the benefit of mankind, things that prove the authenticity of what I believe.

I’m nowhere near the level that I need or want to be in terms of hearing God. But I did order a brand-new book on the subject from Kim Clement, who is really becoming a hero and an inspiration to me. (I kinda ripped off the book’s title and used it for this post.) I’ve also just been asking God to allow me to hear him more clearly. I realize that with this gift comes more responsibility. But I’ve also found that I’ve been choosing (again by God’s grace) to be more willing and open to be used by God in normal everyday situations, and I think this obedience that God is giving me is a big contributor to this growth I’ve been experiencing lately.

And I’m not content with what I have or what I’ve done. I will never be content, ever. Because Jesus said in John 14:12, “I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these…” wow. If Jesus says I can do greater things than feeding thousands with two loaves of bread and five fish, healing paralytics, even raising the dead… lay it on me brothaman.

p.s. I really apologize if you came on here wanting to find out more of the detail stuff about college…how my classes are, what I’m doing this weekend, if I’ve picked up a southern drawl, whether or not I’m sick of cafeteria food yet… I will try to put this stuff in here more often. The thing is, if you ask me what is going on in my life that really matters…what you just read is it. Not that other stuff doesn’t matter, but this is at the core.